So I want to talk about guilt and how it has just become an accepted part of my life. It’s an emotion I think most parent feels and in a lot of ways it feels like it moved in to my life the moment I became a new mum. It seemed to creep in slowly; I remember feeling guilty because I wasn’t exclusively breastfeeding, guilty because I wasn’t cherishing EVERY second (I was tired ok?! Sometimes I just wished I could pause time and sleep for a day), guilty because I wasn’t contributing financially and then when I did work I felt guilty because I wasn’t at home! Guilt seems to be found in varying measures in every decision I make and a lot of the time my decision is based on what will result in the least guilt.
I think today’s woman has got it pretty tough we are expected to have it all and want it all. To juggle the household, a career, the children, a social life, and me time. Sometimes I think life was simpler when the expectation of women was that they would stay at home and just have the kids and look after the house. (Now I even feel guilty making this statement because I feel like I SHOULD want it all and is it just because I am rubbish that I don’t manage to juggle all these things).
I tend to lean toward the feeling that I am not getting everything/anything right (not all the time I must stress it’s not like I’m manically depressed) but sometimes I feel like I am not the best parent I could be, I quite often get to work and think god I was a nag this morning trying to get the kids ready-I’ll be a nicer mummy when I get home=GUILT. The house isn’t as tidy as it could be=GUILT. I haven’t exactly climbed the career ladder; I left uni and then embarked on 9 years of intermittent part-time working resulting in Martyn having to shoulder most of the financial responsibility of our family=GUILT.
**puffs out cheeks** It’s all rather exhausting.
Looking after yourself is actually good for everybody-including and especially the kids.There is the odd occasion where I long for a solitary bath or even (in my wildest dreams) a wee but as soon as I get that illusive time alone the big bad older brother of Mum guilt-Monster Mum Guilt rocks up and I become consumed by the thought of all the things I should be doing, like the washing/mopping/dog walking/finger painting/soup making/ baking etc. and that kinda takes the shine off.
Sue Atkins, parenting coach, believes guilt is a programmed part of motherhood to make us strive to do the best we can for our children;
“Not only can other peoples opinions and expectations contribute to what you feel about how you are doing as a mother, there’s also the media. There are thousands of websites, articles and blogs telling women what they ‘should’ be doing to be a great mum. But let’s be honest, very few of these media projections show mums and babies covered in sick and snot-even though that is often the reality.”
I’m with Sue here and I think one thing we all need to remind ourselves it parenting is not a competition. No one is winning and more importantly no one is losing. Parenting is about happy children and just as importantly happy parents. Sometimes/most times we are our own worst enemy-being over critical of ourselves and listening too much to what other people think and say rather than trusting ourselves and our own instincts.
So I’m going to try and relax more and stop being over critical-who’s with me?
Mrs Os Musings 