People who know me know that I have recently become a bit of a cat lady. I always loved cats but was unable to have one whilst living with my parents because my mum is allergic- *cough* allegedly!
My best friend Emma is a huge animal lover and started helping out a cat rescue called Kats Kradle, this involved taking in a litter of kittens and fostering them until they were old enough to be re-homed. I always joked that as soon as she had a ginger tabby I would be in trouble. Sure enough in came a litter with one silver, one ginger and one peach tabby. Uh oh I was in love.
He was just beautiful and I knew he was to become part of our family. We called him Oscar and I pestered Emma for regular updates until he was old enough to come home. He fit right in and our life as a one dog, one cat home started. Oscar was the kindest cat and let Seren push him around in her pushchair and even snuggled up in Rhys T-Shirt!
Sadly Oscar wasn’t long for this world and after a few trips to the vets for a strange clouding in his eye which we didn’t really get to the bottom of and a wobble in his legs he went rapidly down hill; losing weight and all coordination in his back legs. The last time I took him to the vets I knew it wasn’t good. I told the children to give him a cuddle because he was really poorly and there was a chance the vet couldn’t make him better. I wanted to prepare them and give them the chance to say their goodbye.
On the journey to the vets Oscar was quiet which was unusual because he HATED being in the cat box and normally howled and scratched at it like a feral cat. I whispered a promise to him that I would do everything I could to make him better. Little did I realise I wouldn’t get the chance,
Sitting in the waiting room I dreaded them calling us in; knowing that this was probably it and wanting to delay the inevitable. Alexa our vet, who I must say was marvellous, took him out of his box and examined him. I could tell by the look on her face we were had reached that point. She looked up at me with her stethoscope still in her ears and said “I’m sorry he’s so poorly, there is nothing I can do”. I can only describe the emotion as a whoosh (pretty crap description for someone with an English degree I know). I knew it wasn’t good but I had been trying to remain positive; as soon as she said that sentence all of my defences crumbled and the emotion hit me in a whoosh (hey! Onomatopoeia was good enough for Shakespeare and he was a literary great!) Alexa then asked me did I want to be in the room whilst Oscar was put to sleep-of course, I couldn’t leave him at the end. I stroked him and spoke to him whilst it happened and he purred right up until the point at which he stopped. That is probably the best way to describe Oscar’s end, he simply stopped.
Despite being vaccinated Oscar had contracted FIP Feline Infectious Peritonitis an incurable and fatal disease that is usally found in cats under 2 years old, it can manifest itself in many forms. Alexa advised me it was likely he contracted this whilst in his mothers womb and assured me there was nothing I could have done differently.
More info here: FIP info
Devastated I walked out of the treatment room and paid; a process I can’t help but think should be changed, I know I need to pay for the medicine and the consultation but I don’t think it had to be right then, right that moment. That moment when I could barely see to type my pin number through the tears. Standing there in a waiting room with tears rolling down my face and an empty cat box.
An empty cat box sat on the seat next to me all the way home.
That empty cat box made me so sad.
I left that empty cat box in the car.
I walked up to the house where my children waited expectantly,
no cat box,
their little faces crumpled.
Seren burst in to tears and Rhys ran upstairs to his room.
Pet loss.
Stupidly I hadn’t considered it when we bought Oscar home 5 months earlier-I naively thought we wouldn’t have to deal with that for at least another 10 years. The loss of a pet is awful as an adult, I couldn’t imagine how upsetting it would be as a child of 8 and 3. The children both adored Oscar and he had become such a large part of our family almost immediately. I researched pet loss and found some really useful information which I will include here
Seren struggled with the idea that Oscars absence was permanent and would ask “Where’s Oscar?” “When is Oscar coming home?” she would cry saying she missed him and that “Oscar always came to me when I cried”. Rhys sadly understood; he understood the finality of death: there was no coming back.
Oscar was gone from us,
Forever.
Both of our children grieved, they both grieved differently and they grieved hard.
This was incredibly hard to witness and dwarfed my sadness, their hurt was so intense and all consuming. 12 months on and Oscars death still looms large in Seren and Rhys’ life. He is still talked about, cried over and very much missed but I don’t regret opening our home to him. He taught us all so much. He taught the children the responsibility of looking after your pets, especially when they are poorly, he taught them to be gentle and considerate, he taught them compassion and finally he taught them the hardest lesson-Loss. But I don’t wish to take it back, although if I could change one thing I would change Oscar having to leave us. I wouldn’t change having him as part of our family. I think Anatole France said it best when he said;
Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened
RIP Oscar.
Mrs Os Musings 